Ghostlighting: The Twin Evil of Modern Dating

The dating world has experienced a series of toxic trends, ranging from situationship, bait-and-switch tactics, communication games, amongst many others. While radical clarity and intentionality are increasingly defining modern dating, these healthy shifts are forced to compete with a persistent undercurrent of toxic behaviors. As transparency becomes the new social currency, a more sophisticated strain of emotional avoidance: ghostlighting, has been introduced as a defense mechanism for people who are conflict-avoidant, but still want to keep their options open.

Referred to as the ‘twin evil’, ghostlighting is a toxic mix of the sudden disappearance of ghosting and the manipulative denial of gaslighting, and is viewed as the evolution of the ‘slow fade.’ It typically follows a frustrating three-step pattern: the Sudden Ghost, where all forms of communication are abruptly severed without warning. Following this, they initiate the Submarining Return, making little efforts to communicate, often with a meme, a casual “hey”, or a social media text out of the blue, as though nothing ever happened. Finally, the Gaslight Pivot. In a situation such as this, one would expect an apology from the initiator, but here, the gas lighter does not apologize, instead they position the victim as the aggressor, with the aim of watering down their absence. They label the victim as ‘intense’ or ‘over-dramatic’, having zero regard for the victim’s emotional health. This forces the victim to doubt their own intuition, which eventually reduces the expectations of the victim, conditioning them to stop asking for consistency for fear of being tagged as ‘high-maintenance.’

Currently, we have reached a point where asking for the bare minimum is treated as a burden. We call people ‘high-maintenance’ just for having feelings, and instead of showing up for them, we leave them stranded in a black hole of doubt. I believe it is high time we stop gaslighting people for wanting the basics.

Rather than making excuses for their actions, figuring out the ‘why’, or worse, blame yourself when you are not treated right, it is safer to walk out when necessary. That is, after you have taken the necessary steps: called out the behavior, explained how it hurt you, and requested for an explanation for the future. A partner who values the relationship would be more interested in how you feel, than in whether or not they are right.